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3 commentsFlash Gordon (1980)
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Sun, August 16th, 2009 at 10:38 am
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The evil emperor Ming has caused the moon to begin falling to Earth. Among other things, hot hail and earthquakes are wreaking havoc on the good people of the world. By coincidence, Flash Gordon, star football player for the Jets, and his travel agent, 'Dale' (she's a girl) find themselves on a rocket to a distant planet, where Ming rules the fate of us all. Can Flash stop him in time?
Once, when I was just a little boy, I stepped on a rusty nail while walking barefoot through a salt factory. To prevent infection, my dad pored alcohol on the cut, then, accidentally, rubbed bits of glass into the wound until he got a rich lather.
Needless to say, all of this caused me some physical discomfort. But I would go through it all over again a hundred times then have to rewatch this horrible, horrible movie. Now don't get me wrong, parts of it were bad enough to laugh at. But by the end I just couldn't take it anymore. It ceased being laughably campy and started being a new form of torture. (Attention Russia: If you want a more effective means of extracting information from US spies, just visit your local BlockBuster!)
Some points of mild entertainment:
The theme music was done by Queen. What the hell was wrong with Queen?
The dialog. My God, the dialog. For example, Dale (the girl, in red text) is afraid of flying...
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"Talk to me please. Get my mind off this." "I couldn't believe a girl like you was alone." "You're just saying that to get my mind off this." |
What the hell is wrong with Dale? Did the writer just not know how women talk? Here's another example of crappy female dialog: Ming's daughter revives Flash after he is executed. She says to him "Back from the dead. I've saved you." Flash then says, "My God! But how?" To which she replies: "By magic of course. With a kiss. Because I like you." It's important to note that the "because I like you" part is done as straight and as emotionless as possible. She delivers the line like she's in a highschool play. ...A highschool play written by feral wolf-babies who have never heard how humans talk to each other.
The only other kind of fun to watch thing is this movie is Flash running around pretending to not be retarded. Sure, the acting coach for this movie did the best he could, but it just wasn't enough. Just look at the picture below. Flash is moments away from drooling and excitedly screaming about apple sauce. I'm on to you, Flash Gordon!
"Daa, I can ride my bike real fast!"
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Just plain horrible. I did
Just plain horrible. I did get a laugh out of Dale imitating a cheerleader while Flash footballed the guards in the capture scene and I liked Dale's somewhat hot reaction to Ming's seduction ray. As for the rest of the movie, it was excrement.
Why did this movie have to be made? Why? This was one of the 100 worst movies made in the last century. Only surpassed by Battlefield Earth in recent memory to inflict pain.
Cardboard characters, cardboard sets, amature fx and a totally lacking in competent writing. Plot? (silent screams) I don't think you can actually call this a plot. What a waste of Max Von Sydow. He was better in Conan.
I suggest that we find the producers, the actors and the writers and tie them all to an A-frame. Then we will make them watch this thing over and over again until they scream for death. And everytime they close their eyes we hit them with a cattle prod.